Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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