He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
