tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
