I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
