I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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