dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
