Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
