Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
