someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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