Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
