I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
