I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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