i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
