My liver just broke up with me...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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