I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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