dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
