Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want nice things and good sex
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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