I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
