haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize