apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
