so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
