when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
