sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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