All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
This baby is an asshole
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
