when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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