Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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