True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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