I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if i died would you start the facebook group?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
