you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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