I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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