I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
They are going to name an STD after you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The Olympian is in my bed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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