all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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