Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
