my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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