New invention idea: vibrating tampons
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
