Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
