1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
