Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
