put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
