just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
