at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
