she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
