I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
