my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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