My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize