I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
