someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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