I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
