There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize