sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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