I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
