I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
