My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
