I think my fart just growled at me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
