I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
