Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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