My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
